A "What if " Day

As I'm typing I hear Kaiden singing himself to sleep:) Just what I needed after a day like today. 

Today was Day 3 of his new ABA therapy in Irving.  A 45 min drive followed by complete torture for me (and him) for two hours, then another 45 min drive home.  Today was a rough one.  They said the next threeish weeks would pretty much be a battle.  Battle of the stubborn minds:)  But if this is what works, I'm game.  Tonight I was "lectured" on not giving in and not being so "lovey".  Ok, I'm all for the not giving in, but one of the things I adore most about my little boy is how loving and cuddley he is.   Maybe that's my fault.  So the what if's started filling my head during the two hours I watched him tonight.

What if I had breast fed even after I went back to work?
What if I had stayed home longer than six weeks?
What if I had let my mom stay home with Kaiden?
What if I had not rocked him to sleep so much?
What if I had not picked him up all the time when he wanted to be held?
What if I had let him "cry it out" longer than what I did?
What if I had tried organic baby food?
What if I didn't let him watch the Baby Einstein videos he loved so much?
What if I had not made everything so available to him?
What if I had put my foot down about certain things in his life?
What if I had made the pediatrician space his shots out?
What if I had actually stayed in bed the whole time the doctor wanted me to?

That's just the beginning of my what if nightmare.  Yes, I know that nothing I did caused Kaiden's autism.  But, when you carry a child for nine months you are going to question yourself non stop.

Worry has consumed me this week.  I'm pretty sure I'm on the verge of a stomach ulcer.  Today was the type of day where if someone would've said the wrong thing to me I would've cried.

Which brings me onto my next worry.  I miss my mom. So much.  I miss my parents being here almost every other weekend playing with Kaiden.  I wonder if he wonders where they are? I CANNOT wait until March.  She didn't deserve cancer. No one does.  She has been no doubt the most amazing, loving, caring wife and mother to us.  And my dad, no one will ever understand all he has done for her.  I long to find someone who will love me the way he loves her.  Which is why I will hold out until I find just that.  What an example they are.

My friend, Mia, always tells me "Jana, you are just so strong.  After all the *^&$ you have been through the past couple years, you are always smiling and positive."  Well Mia, not tonight.  I'm going to pray that God gives me the strength to turn my worry around and get back to that tomorrow. 

As one of my newest friends said two nights ago: "Oh how HE loves us so, oh how HE loves us.."  That's right.  He will get me out of my "what if" stage.