Five.

Well, just like that I have a five year old.   It seems like yesterday that I was giving him his first bite of baby food or watching him take his first step. Every day that passes  the more I love  that little boy. I could seriously just be completely content hanging out with him all day long.   I should be  asleep right now, but  instead I wanted to share an update on how Kaiden's first year of public school is going.  Let me start off by saying I worried myself everyday for six months about whether putting him in prek was the right decision. Thankfully, and thank The Lord, for putting her in my life five years ago,  my friend Emily was the prek teacher in the school he would be going to for a year. So, that made me be able to "let go" a tad. Though I still text her daily about him:)

Kaiden goes full day, half day PPCD and half day Prek. I took him to school the other day and  counselor told me Kaiden was a celebrity with all the teachers at school.....That he is always happy and telling everyone he sees hello. Don't doubt that one bit :)

He is receiving some OT and speech therapy during the school day as well as  2 days a week at the center in Denton that he has been going to. Starting in November that will move to just one day a week.

 He's seriously thriving in this new environment.  He comes home daily and amazes me with what he's learned that day at school.   I tell people all the time, there isn't one thing I would change about him.  And I mean it, 100%.

Changes

Next week we will say "goodbye" to two of the most important people in Kaiden's progress. Three years ago, almost to the day, I was in the hallway at school taking down my bulletin board for the year. One of my coworkers, Randy, who at that time worked as a facilitator for an autistic student in fourth grade was talking to me about his plans after the school year was finished.  He and his wife run an in home day care and it just so happened that our babysitter was moving. Total God thing. Later that week we went and visited the Roses house and fell in love.  We let them know about Kaiden's needs and not once did they hesitate. On top of that, over the next two years they let numerous strangers  (therapists) into their home on a daily basis to work with Kaiden, prepared his gluten free meals, wrote in his notebook and taught him things that I am in awe of.  Their patience, love for Kaiden and daily prayer for him will never be forgotten. They changed both of our lives and I cannot thank them enough.  We love you Leesa and Randy.

Kaiden will take the summer off from school and  start PreK in the fall. This makes my mommy heart sad, but he will be at his new school with three of my very close friends so I know he will be safe and loved. He will continue with therapies twice a week at the autism center in Denton.


I don't handle change well, but I guess it's time that I start.

That time I became a mother.....

It literally seems like yesterday.  I was sitting in a wedding and all of the sudden the most intense pain I've ever had shot up through my back.  And of course I was about four rows to the front.  I can't remember if we made it through the entire wedding but the next thing I remember is pulling into a Pizza Hut and was 99% sure I was about to birth my son in the parking lot.  Well Denton Presbyterian hospital made me feel like a moron, doped me up on some ambien and sent me home with my Braxton hicks contractions........uh no. Mommy don't play no games. Two days later I was back.  At that moment I was told no more working and to "take it easy".... What does that even mean?   When my body was done faking me out and the real deal was ready to take place my body then thought it would be SUPER cool to not respond to the epidural.  So I gave birth with only my left leg numb.  I remember yelling at Dr Walsh to "get him out of me"....and to "give me a c section"by far one of my classiest moments.  Listen giving birth naturally is no joke. I do remember a couple of hours later AFTER the pain meds wore off, thinking to myself that it was totally worth the pain and that this little boy was mine.  He seriously came from my body and was here with me to do life with.   At that moment I had no idea exactly how much that little, tiny, precious, black headed boy would completely change my life.

As mothers we are constantly learning.  Learning just how much we can mess things up, learning how to do things right and everything in between.  So, here is my top 10 list of things I have learned since becoming a mother:

1. Listen to your heart.  Always.  Yes, people always have their opinion of what you are doing right or wrong but you are the only person who knows your child inside and out.....and you are the one is constantly thinking about their next move consciously and even when you don't know you are.

2. It's going to be messy.  Like straight up poop in your fingernails messy.

3. Laugh.  Trust me, you won't survive if you don't.  You cannot take life too seriously.

4.  Accept help.  This one took me a while.

5. Kiss them, hold them, smell their baby smell hair.  Like multiple times a day.  Oh and rock them until they tell you they don't want to be.

6.  let them experience new things all the time.  This is one factor in Kaiden's growth that I think helped him tremendously.

7.  You'll sleep when you're dead,  or at least that is what my dad says.  I think I'm still catching up on sleep for when Kaiden's went through the "sleep is lame" phase

8. Pray

9. Pray more.

10.  Thank God for the blessing he has given you because in the blink of an eye it could be gone.

The Circle of Life (yes I took that straight from The Lion King)

Well, night two that sleep will not be happening.  Kaiden has also decided sleep is overrated as well, seeing how I put him to bed an hour and a half ago and he's still singing to himself.  Better than crying I guess:)

Life is hard sometimes.  We drove back home today from Hamilton just hours after my sweet Uncle Marvin passed away.  It wasn't until a few hours later after we had unpacked, eaten dinner and sat down to watch Peter Pan for the 394th time that I realized how much I missed my family even though I had just left them.  You know.....I don't like being so far away from them.  Some people love the fact that they are hours away from their family and they rarely return home to visit.  Not me.  My family is my world.  Being over 2.5 hours away is a driveable distance but also one that doesn't allow you to just pick up and leave at the drop of a hat. 

Those that know me well know my family makeup.  Over 45 cousins on my mothers side, 15 aunts and uncles...dads side isn't small either.  And we are close.  The kind of close where I can pick up the phone and call my aunts and ask where my mom is when she isn't answering and they will know immediately where she is day or night.  The kind of close where my cousins know just when to call or text or get together with me to fill that void that comes with being a couple of hours away. 

Now don't get me wrong.  I love where I live.  I have made the most amazing friends and have the best church family and can count on them without a doubt. 

Marvin was a man of God.  He spoke the truth, he preached the truth and you listened.  Not in a way where you wanted to plug your ears or change the subject, but in a way where he understood you and exactly what you were going through.  Even during his battle with cancer he was always worried about everone else.  I remember how many times he told me he loved me while I went to see him in the hospital. 
I hated seeing him in pain.  The last time I was at his house I had to leave because I couldn't stop the tears.  It was painful for him to talk yet he wanted to talk to my cousin John on the phone and sing happy birthday to him. 
The memories of playing our annual Andrews volleyball games at the lake, hearing him sing sooooo beautifully to all of the hymns we would sing at night during the reunion, his sense of humor that no one could ever match and his care for everyone else is what I will miss the most. 

The circle of life is a definite thing, sometimes accepting it just isn't very easy. 

Silence

There is one thing I'm not very good at.....sitting in silence.  It makes me feel like I should be up doing something. Well unfortunately, this holiday has had it's moments of silence.  Last night I woke up and thought I heard Kaiden saying my name.  At that moment I was officially done with the holiday break.  You see every other Christmas I get to spend numerous days without him. It is completely awful.  It is lonely. Yes it's full of friends and family but when you actually feel like you are missing a part of you it's hard to have too much fun.  So for those of you who have friends who have to go through holidays without their kids here are some things you might not want to say to them: "I could never do that" ( uh do you think I want to??), "woohoo you can go have some fun" (no no I would rather be in my pjs) , "it'll be over before you know it so stop being sad" (no comment)

I sat in a meeting yesterday where I was used as an example for something.  My friend went on to tell the crowd about Kaiden and the kind words she used just made me lose it. Like I had to walk out of the room...ridiculous I know.
Someone let me know the other day that I came up in a conversation with that person and an old friend.  The old friend said that "she could never love anyone as much as she loves Kaiden"
I didn't even know what to say..... I felt two things....honored that someone can see how much I love him and confused.  Uh yeah, he's my flesh.  This little boy has completely 100% changed my life.  The events that led up to me becoming a mother Kaiden I now see....a huge connectedness (is that a word???)  People that know my, our, story are probably wondering how I can see Gods plan on how everything worked out. I do.  And it is simply amazing.  Things were not picture perfect by a LONG SHOT.  Things and events  that should have driven me completely crazy made me strong. There are so many other directions my life could have gone.  But I NEVER regret it.

Ok sorry about the mush. :)