Silence

There is one thing I'm not very good at.....sitting in silence.  It makes me feel like I should be up doing something. Well unfortunately, this holiday has had it's moments of silence.  Last night I woke up and thought I heard Kaiden saying my name.  At that moment I was officially done with the holiday break.  You see every other Christmas I get to spend numerous days without him. It is completely awful.  It is lonely. Yes it's full of friends and family but when you actually feel like you are missing a part of you it's hard to have too much fun.  So for those of you who have friends who have to go through holidays without their kids here are some things you might not want to say to them: "I could never do that" ( uh do you think I want to??), "woohoo you can go have some fun" (no no I would rather be in my pjs) , "it'll be over before you know it so stop being sad" (no comment)

I sat in a meeting yesterday where I was used as an example for something.  My friend went on to tell the crowd about Kaiden and the kind words she used just made me lose it. Like I had to walk out of the room...ridiculous I know.
Someone let me know the other day that I came up in a conversation with that person and an old friend.  The old friend said that "she could never love anyone as much as she loves Kaiden"
I didn't even know what to say..... I felt two things....honored that someone can see how much I love him and confused.  Uh yeah, he's my flesh.  This little boy has completely 100% changed my life.  The events that led up to me becoming a mother Kaiden I now see....a huge connectedness (is that a word???)  People that know my, our, story are probably wondering how I can see Gods plan on how everything worked out. I do.  And it is simply amazing.  Things were not picture perfect by a LONG SHOT.  Things and events  that should have driven me completely crazy made me strong. There are so many other directions my life could have gone.  But I NEVER regret it.

Ok sorry about the mush. :)